It seems to be a fact of life that sleep isn't always so restful. At times, it just causes unnecessary problems. Some sleepwalk, others sleep-eat, and a select few even sleep-drive (scary prospect, I know). Personally, I seem to be prone to sleep-talking. While this might seem to be the lesser of the evils listed above, let me tell you...sleep talking isn't all cutesy. Those nicely sketched word bubble clouds in comics are extremely misleading. In reality, sleep-talk is a confusion-wreaking monster that stomps around while you sleep, throwing your credible sanity to the wind.
How does this happen? Because I don't just mumble incoherently while I sleep. While the vast majority of my sleep conversations are with myself, my friends have a tendency to stumble into my dream babbling world. And I have full-blown conversations with them. That I don't remember. In person, the conversations are ridiculous and usually go something like this:
Me(asleep, of course): " ..Hmm?"
Friend: "What?"
Me: "Sssssorry."
Friend: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "I couldn't get one because the dinosaur came."
Friend: "One what?"
Me: "Dress."
Friend: "What dress?"
Me: "Already told you!"
Friend: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Me: "What?"
Friend: "Are you awake?"
Me: "Mmhmm...."(annnd gone).
But my cell phone, and the fact that I have mad sleep talking skills, has taken this issue to a new level. Something about being on the phone transforms my subconscious mind into a coherent-conversation machine. People call me during the night or while I'm napping and I manage not only to pick up, but I stay on the phone with them and blabber away. Apparently these exchanges give me plenty of time to do and say some nifty things. That I never remember. Allow me to elaborate.
Not too long ago, I unwittingly blew off my friend Iz one morning. What? Exactly. Apparently, she had called the previous night, and I made plans with her and told her I'd call in the morning. I had no memory of this. At all. I didn't even remember hearing the phone ring. Try explaining to an already annoyed friend that you don't even remember talking to her because you were asleep. You just sound like an asshole. Awesome.
But my sleep rambling doesn't just affect people. I also seem to have developed a knack for scolding my pets while I sleep. It's great. To make myself feel better about it, I like to think it keeps them on their toes. I'm sure that they love it. During a nap on the couch, I sat straight up, yelled at my dog, and then laid back down. The poor dog had been innocently sleeping between me and Iz, and I scared the crap out of them both. Because I'm cool like that. I've apparently also sat up in the middle of the night to hiss at my sister's cat. To my credit, he was scratching my dresser when that happened. It was self defense.
Despite incidents like these, I've found comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my oddity. My college roommate, Blondie, has had her share of sleep talking madness too. In fact, I think she may have had the ULTIMATE sleep talker experience. She had - wait for it - a sleep conversation with her fiance's* sleeping roommate. EPIC. When I heard that, I just about died. WHO DOES THAT?! I didn't even know that kind of thing was possible. Kudos, dear friend. You make me seem normal.
*also known as Biance. Because he is B's fiance. Clever, I know.
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