three more reasons why the bathroom is the bane of my existence

Yea, I know.  But it has to be said.  Before I go insane and start laughing hysterically while I'm in there.  Because that would probably just make things worse.

1) Other people.  Stop following me into the bathroom!  Stop it.  Please.  I cannot go with you in there, and it's awkward for me to hold the door open for you when we both know that one of us probably has to shit.  It's even worse when that person is me. Because I can't do that with other people around.  So I wash my hands and leave.  Which leaves me with two problems: I still have to go, and now I look like a weirdo for coming to the bathroom to wash my hands when I could have used the office kitchen.  That's a double whammy.*

2)The toilet paper dispensers.  They. are. the devil.  Either there is too much paper shoved in them so it won't spin and you have to pull off one piece at a time or there is no paper at all, leaving you stranded.  If you are lucky enough to find the happy medium roll, you spend so much time fumbling around trying to find the end sheet while the dispenser squeaks mercilessly that it sounds like you're having a seizure. It's just a lose-lose situation.

3) Automatic flush toilets.  Why? Who thought this was a good idea? They supposedly have sensors to tell them when it's ok to flip the switch, but it never works.  They ALWAYS flush while you're still sitting there.  So you always end up racing them.  Trying to finish first. Before they flush and send a gust of air and splash of cold water straight into your crotchel region. **  While this may be what the inventors of the bidet were going for, in practice this is much less refreshing than it sounds.

Maybe public restrooms are just a bad idea in general.  Then again, maybe having to go to the bathroom is just a bad idea.  Solution: we should all be vampires. Shazam! Problem solved.


*For the love of God, I hope someone gets this reference. Mitch Hedberg.
**On a side note, it's always a little scary when the toilet flushes with you on it.  Aside from the gross factor, I can't help but be a little afraid it'll suck me down too.  Or that an alligator will crawl up in place of water.


UPDATE: I lied.  I have a number four for you.  Courtesy of a convo with Iz.
4) How there is never anything to dry your hands with.  The paper towels are always gone. So you're forced to turn to the hulking wind machine on the wall. Which is a bad idea.  Those blow drier things never work.  And once they're on, you feel like you're eighty and can't hear anything.  While you're thinking about the permanent damage being done to your hearing, you look down and see that you suddenly have mutant hands because the stupid drier is blowing your skin in all kinds of shapes and directions. Do you really have to put that much power into a bathroom blow drier? It doesn't dry anything anyway.  So you give up and wipe your hands on your back pockets. And walk around with wet hand prints on your ass for a while.  Yessssssss.