If you want to live, you will stop wearing khakis.

Today for work I had to visit the science library at an Ivy League university, and while there I noticed a disturbing trend in the male population.  Namely, they were all wearing khakis.  And as it's a Wednesday, and I'm at the fucking library, I see no reason why these people (college students, mind you) should be so damn overdressed.  And poorly overdressed at that.  Thus, I have a little something to say to the people here (and to those, I imagine, at all other pretentious schools like this one):

STOP WEARING KHAKIS.  Stop it. Just. Stop.  It is a well known fact that khaki pants do not look good on anyone.  Aside from the general knowledge that khaki is a more disgusting looking version of the color nude (which can occasionally look nice on shoes), you must also know that khaki in pant form makes your ass look fat.  And I'm sorry, but fat asses on guys are just wrong. Also, it makes your crotch bulge in inhuman (and inhumane to the observer) ways.  That could just be the horrible pleats (whoever thought those were a good idea, I don't know), but still.  You, khakis wearer, must know that this makes me a hapless victim.  I am forced to stare in sickened awe at your bulgy, globular crotch wondering just what is in there.  And I'm not wondering that in a good way.  So stop.  Please.  For me.  I beg you.

While you're at it, you might also want to reconsider that absurd spring in your step.  I'm going to overlook the fact that you decided to wear sneakers (really?  come on) with your khakis and skip to the part where you bounce along like you'd rather be skipping.  What is wrong with you?!  Did they put some kind of peppy crack in the water here?  Why are you walking like that?!  You're a man.  Learn to man-saunter.  Quit this bullshit fairy crap.  Unless you're gay.  Which I know you're not because a gay man wouldn't be caught dead in khakis (smart ones, they are).  So it looks like you're out of excuses.  Enough of the heel and roll to tip toes. I'm putting my foot down, and hopefully you will too.  Shuffle if you must.  I'm serious.

Enough is enough.  I want some eye candy, not eye dandy.  Ugh.

Have I mentioned I love my job?