Dear Cat...

Dear Cat,

I love you.  But I don't love you so much when I wake up at 1 am to the sound of you heaving  on my bedspread.  Nor do I have a fancy for finding a line of your barf strewn across my carpet when I walk into the living room in the morning. I don't appreciate finding more of the same presents when I get out of the shower. I downright do not understand why you also feel the need to barf in hidden places, like under the couch or my bed.  And, Cat, the retching noises scare me.  HuuuuuuuuuHhhh HHEEEEEEEhhh HHuuuuuuuuuhhhh BLAH. What is that about?  Your love of vomiting at inconvenient times and in strange places just baffles me.  I know you're doing this on purpose.  Do you want attention?  Is barfing your hidden ace when waving your cat-butt in my face doesn't work? You must have realized that when you do this I get concerned and check on you all day.  Why else would you regurgitate something as benign as water all over my rug?

But maybe I'm misreading your neediness.  Maybe this is revenge.  Are you angry that I've been gone much of the past month?  I'm sorry, Cat, but it could not be helped; it was business travel.  Do you seek vengeance because I introduced  Wooey Dog into your world?  Again, I'm sorry, Cat, but you need to get over it.  She's really not that bad.  She doesn't chase you and only sniffs you because she wants to be friends.  If you could get over yourself and stop clawing at her face, maybe you two could get along.  

Whatever the cause, barfing is not the solution.  I don't have the right stuff to get your bile out of my rug, and you refuse to move the two steps onto to the tile to make the cleanup job easy.  If you keep this up, I'm going to have to take you to the vet.  And then you'll really be pissed.

Love (most of the time),
me

P.S. Please stop licking strange things, like my jeans and the carpet.  It creeps me out.