Bathroom Phenomena

I honestly had no intention of posting again so soon, but after my little adventure in the land of bathroom etiquette just now, I had to sit down and get this out (no pun intended, really).

You may have noticed -actually you should have noticed, and if you haven't this is directed at you- that there are certain unspoken rules when it comes to using public restrooms.  For instance, in the chick world, there are some cardinal bathroom practices:
-  Always help out another girl who is stranded without toilet paper.  You know it could be you next time.
- Do your best to avoid lurking near the cracks between stall doors lest someone think you're trying to spy on them.
- Wait calmly in line( unless you're lucky enough to find a deserted ladies' room).

- If it is too quiet in the bathroom, you know someone is trying to poop.  Leave as fast as you can so they can get on with it. 
-No cell phone conversations.  Ever.  Hang up and call back. Your chatter in the stall next door makes me self conscious.

Of course, rule numero uno for any bathroom is that you DO NOT use the stall next to someone when there are other open stalls.  You just don't.  It's creepy.  You're too close to me, and when I can hear every move you make -when I can hear you breathing-  I know that you can hear me too and it just ruins my bathroom experience.
 
So, why do people at my office insist on choosing the stall next to mine when the bathroom isn't crowded? Why would they even want to?  How could they possibly not fathom how awkward the situation is?  I can not only hear you trying to hold your breath, but the sound of you peeing is so loud that you might as well be on my lap.  Uncomfortable and unnecessary. Please, there are three other open stalls in the bathroom (four if you count the one with the door that gets stuck closed).  Pick one of them.  I strategically placed myself in this stall so you have the optimum number of other-stall options.  MOVE OVER.

Also, how is it that everyone chooses to use the bathroom at the same time?  I'm honestly vexed by this question.  For the past month, I've noticed that at certain times when I walk into the bathroom  ALL of the stalls are taken (except for one).  This presents a horrible situation.  I obviously have to pee, but I want to leave because the bathroom is packed.  I'm trapped, however, by that one open stall.  I have to use it.  Which then makes me that person who sits in the stall next to you.  But I can't avoid it because all of the other stalls are taken.  Thus I'm trapped in a warped vortex of bathroom manners that pulls me in all directions.  Have to pee - must stay.  Too many people in here - must go.  But there's an open stall - must STAYYY. But I don't want to sit next to someone - must GOOOO.  All in all I generally end up agitated and dash into the empty stall, holding my breath so the person next to me doesn't hear me and trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.  If you tell me this hasn't happened to you at least once, you're lying.