shining life moments.

I know, readers, I've been neglectful*.  I could make excuses to you about being sick (true) and sooo busy (not really true), but I won't.  I'm a bad mother duck.  I know this.  That is why I will never have kids.  But anyway.

So even though I'm not always on here, I'm always thinking about you and trying to dredge up stories to tell you from my most shining life moments.  Oddly enough, the bathroom - well known to be the bane of my existence - is my inspiration on this occasion. Why?  Because I just went to pee and realized that my underwear is on inside out.  Again.  Turns out I have skill, because this time I have no excuse.  Except being awesome, of course**.

Anyway, walking back to my cube of death following this little revelation, I let my mind wander back to some fantastic moments I've had with the Porcelain Throne.  And because you've been such good kids while I've been away dallying, I'm going to give you two*** of my top ten.  I know, exciting.

Moment #1: JD's going away party.

In the middle of college, my lovelyface decided to pack up her life and move to Italy to finish school there.  While this was schweet in some ways (oh, I totally hit that up on a visit), it also meant I'd be thousands of miles away from one of my best friends for around two years.  Faced with this seemingly endless expanse of time apart, we did what anyone would do.  That is, have a huge party and get trashed.  Naturally.  I mean, who wants to remember those precious last moments together anyway?

Needless to say, I don't exactly have the best memory of that night.  What I do remember is that at one point, JD disappeared into the house somewhere and being the good friend that I am, I went to find her to make sure she was ok.  Predictably, I found her in the bathroom in classic form wrapped around the toilet.  What ensued went mostly like this:

Me: (from the doorway) Hey, dear, are you ok?
JD: Uh huh. (gag) I'm fine.
Me: (walking over to rub her back) Are you sure?
JD: Mmhmmm...BLAHHHHHHHH (cue barfing)
Me: Shh, it's ok. (Here's where I made the mistake of looking in the toilet.  At which point I was hit by the nasty, warm smell of vomit) Umm.
JD: Hmm?
Me: (Gag, gurgle) Think you could move over?
JD: What? (Gag, barf)
Me: MOVE OVER! (dropping to my knees and throwing up)
---Insert a few more back and forth volleys of retching and heaving.---
JD: (giggling a little like a crazy person) You know, this must be love-HUUUUUH(barf).
Me: (barf, smile) Yep.

Because love means you can each take a side of the toilet and share.


Moment #2: A random night at Sig-O's.

This second top moment comes to you courtesy of another night of drinking.  But listen, I'm not really a lush.  It's just that some of my best stories come from the rare occasions when I do drink. So, no, I'm not that terrible of a person.

Anyway, one night Sig-O and I were at his place hanging out and having a few drinks, just generally being mellow.  Eventually, we decided it would be a good idea to head up to bed, so we started upstairs.  As we were getting settled I decided I had to pee, so I hopped (hopped is really not the right word, but still) up and said I'd be right back I had to pee.  The moon was bright through the window in the bathroom so I decided to leave the light off to save myself a headache, and I sat down to do my thing.  Having had a substantial amount to drink, there was much to, um, release(?), so I put my head in my hands  - you know elbows on the knees and all - for the wait.  While I was going I realized that I could hear his parents' TV in the next room, and discovered that it was tuned to the History Channel.  Being a huge fan of the History Channel (hello, Monsterquest!), I listened in and closed my eyes to try to imagine the show that I couldn't see.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the bathroom door.  Startled, my eyes few open.
Me: Um, yea?
Sig-O:  Babe, are you in there?
Me: (relieved that it wasn't one of his family members) Yep, it's me.
Sig-O: Are you all right?
Me: (confused) Yea, I'm fine.  Why?
Sig-O: Well you disappeared like a half hour ago to go pee, and you never came back.
Me: Oh!  Well, yea, I'm good.  I was just listening to the History Channel...
Sig-O: What?
Me: The History Channel.  I can hear the TV.
Sig-O: Right...But you're sure you're ok? You're not sick or anything?
Me: Nope, I'm fine.  I'll be out in a sec.

Turns out I fell asleep drunk, listening to the History Channel while I peed.  At least I managed to stay on the toilet.  Which gave me an awesome red O around my butt for the next hour.  Yay!

I'm attractive in my habits, I know.

Shining life moments, I tell you.  SHINING.





*Thank you, Blondie, for constantly harassing me and reminding me of this fact.  Don't worry, I have a story just for you coming soon.  It just has to bake in my brain some more...you know how that works.
**And, you know, I'm already halfway through the day so those suckers are just gonna stay like that. Such is life.  Suck it up, other side of the undies.
***In no particular order, chronological or otherwise.  Because choosing between the two would be too difficult for my lazy dome matter.