try explaining Viagra to your grandfather

Really.  Try it and then let me know how it goes.  I need to compare stories.  I feel traumatized.

So I'm in the South visiting my grandparents, and my Nannie (grandma), Popop (grandfather), and Grandnannie (great-grandma) are sitting around the table with me and my mom.  We're just enjoying each others' company and chatting, when Viagra suddenly comes up.  God only knows why.  And apparently my Popop has no idea what it is.  And for some Godforsaken reason they all look to me to explain. At which point, I freeze and proceed to die. Of embarrassment.

Let me give you a little background.  Growing up, my family just didn't talk about those things.  I don't think I ever got "the talk," and I definitely never talked about boys with my mom.  Silence was golden when it came to anything reproductive, body, or sex related.  Thus, as an adult, I'm extremely uncomfortable discussing these things.  With anyone. Even my best friends mock me for the way I react when such a topic comes up.  I'll do anything to change the subject and still can't help but blush at certain words.  Like penis.  Hehehe.  This...phobia (if you will, for lack of a better word) has driven me to extremes. Seriously. Like jumping off a boat. To escape a conversation JD and her mom were having about dildos.  A little drastic, maybe.  But you can't tell me that subject isn't awkward.  At least a little.

Anyway, now that you have some background, I'm sure you can imagine my intense feelings of humiliation as my GRANDPARENTS stared at me waiting for a description of VIAGRA.  Insert me sitting there dumbfounded and completely red-faced and flustered.  During the pause while I was trying to regroup and think of a delicate way to approach things, my Nannie hints - in between giggles, I might add - that the little pill has to do with sex and enhancement.  My Popop takes this to mean that it helps women.  At which point he starts blabbering excitedly and asks me if gives you bigger "titties." Insert hysterics from my mom, Nannie, and Grandnannie. Awesome. Thanks, Nannie, for making my job WAY more difficult. *

By this time I figure that I should probably intervene before things get even more out of hand.  So in my awkward way, I tell him no, it has to do with helping a guy.  But apparently Popop doesn't make the right connection.  Insert Popop's confused rant wondering why a guy would want bigger balls.  Great.  Nooo, I say, its for the other guy parts.  But obviously, my vague descriptions aren't doing the trick.  Nannie gets his attention and uses her finger to demonstrate.  Popop's eyes light up with understanding. Cue end of any decipherable speech.  Mom and Nannie are both in tears laughing, and Grandnannie is so pink I think she might have a heart attack from the excitement. And I just sit there.  Red and stunned with a grimace on my face.  Yessssss.

I am scarred for life.

* I love her though.  She and my Grandnannie are the cutest.  :)