vertical dry humping

...makes me feel like an idiot.


As we get older*, it's always nice to look back on our younger, more innocent days.  Make that embarrassingly naive younger days.  When I reminisce, I have a tendency to recall the moments where I was at my absolute worst.  Now, by "worst" I mean my most stupid.  Really, I must have been uber sheltered or something because I have a slew of awful middle school stories about my peers taking advantage of my lack of practical knowledge.  Take, for instance, my first experience with what is commonly known as "grinding."  Yea, you know this is gonna be good.

Growing up I wasn't really a nerd per say, but I wasn't exactly popular either, so I actually tried at life.  I did my best to impress "those" kids.  So imagine the scene is one of my seventh grade dances, where I was trying to be cool.  There I was, shaking it away on our dirty gym floor in my awesome super light wash sparkly shorts and my classy no-brand, hand-me-down top. Ohhhh yeeeeea.  I was HOT**.  With two Ts. 

Anyway, the Tic-Tac Club*** seemed to think that my already apparent un-coolness wasn't enough, so they flocked over to me in their classic huddle.  Whence we had the following conversation...


Them: Hey D, what's going on?
Me: (confused since I'm obviously dancing) Umm, not much.  Just dancing.
Them: Oh cool.  Why are you dancing alone?
Me: (again, confused because I was dancing in a group with my less-cool friends) I'm not alone(?).
Them: But you're not dancing with a boy.
Me: I know.
Them: Well you should go dance with him. (point to the popular badass in our grade, named Matt)
Me: (mortified) I don't think that's a very good idea.
Them: Why not?
Me: Because I don't think he knows my kind of dancing.
Them: Well why don't you just go *grind* with him. (insert wicked half smirks partially hidden by big, round, attempting-to-be-innocent eyes.  I am easily fooled.)
Me: Um... What's grinding?

At this point I should have known I was in trouble.  Not only am I NOT a good dancer to begin with, but they were asking me to perform a dance I had never even seen or heard of.  But being my good natured, eager to please self, I let them go on.

Them:  It's a kind of dancing.  You know, you just go stand next to him and bounce around and rub on each other.
Me: (obviously lying) Ooohhhh yea!  I remember that one. (mentally freaking out)
Them: Yea, it's easy.  Go try it.  He likes grinding.
Me: (getting nervous now) Ha-ha. I don't know.  (desperately trying to deflect) Why don't you guys just go grind with him?
Them: Because he wants you to do it!
Me: He does?
Them: Yessssss!  Now go! (pushing me toward him now)
Me: Uhhh...all right.  If you say so...

At this point I was shuffling red-faced toward my target frantically trying to figure out how to learn how to insta-grind.

Me: (standing next to Matt, who is facing mostly away from me) ummm Hey!
Matt: Hey.
Me:  So, uh, they said you like to grind?
Matt: Yea.
Me: Oh?
Matt:  Yep. (already starting to give me the what-the-hell look)
Me: (looks back anxiously to see "them" shooing me to dance) Well, uh, then you'll really like this...

And this is where it all went to shit.  I had NO idea what I was doing. So, naturally, I just did my best interpretation of what the Tic-Tac Club had described.  Which amounted to me jumping around doing the football chest bump with Matt while simultaneously seizuring my body as best I could.  Yep.  It was impressive.  And not in a good way.

After about 10 very painful seconds of my "grinding," I was completely aware of how ridiculous I looked.  I suddenly stopped and walked away from a very stunned seventh grade boy, leaving him there to ponder the wonders of women.



And my friends wonder why I refuse to dance at bars.


* Ok, so I'm not that old yet.  But man, 23 is creeping up on me fast.
** With my awesome half eyebrows from over-tweezing and my complete lack of make up.
*** OMG.  I can't believe I just remembered that.  That was the name of the click of cool girls in my grade.  They each had their own flavor of cool tic tacs.  And I tried to be cool too, but all the good flavors were taken.  So I got orange.  Hey man, I thought it was a win at the time.