Recently, while walking Psycho Dog, I came across two small children who were playing in the recently un-snow-covered dirt for some reason I cannot fathom*. Since Nutcaseface was temporarily calm, they asked -in their creepy child voices- if they could pet my dog. Of course you can, little children. As they attempted to stroke her fur with arms that they apparently had no control over, they began telling me that they buried something. Treasure. At which point I look to my left and see an oddly familiar rectangle of disturbed dirt. What kind of treasure did you bury, small ones**? Response? A computer.
Me: (getting all concernicus like a mother) You buried a computer?
Secret Devil Children: (nodding furiously with little smiles) Yep! And a mouse, too!
Me: Um, I'm not sure that your parents will be too happy about that...
SDC: Oh no, it's ok! We took it from our neighbor's house.
Me: (even more concerned) It's your neighbor's? I don't think they'll be happy either...
SDC: Na, it's fine. No one lives there anyway.
Me: Oh, uh huh. (Cue shifty eyes)
At this point, I decided the kids were talking out of their asses. While I could definitely see that there was a laptop buried, I didn't believe the rest of their story. I was just waiting for the angry neighbor to appear. So, with the utmost stealth, I began inching away from them and got out of sight as soon as possible.
As I finished walking PD, I began thinking. Thinking about kids. More specifically, about how kids are full of shit. Case in point? Me.
I may have mentioned before that a lot of my possessions are acquired as hand-me-downs. Nowadays, I'm perfectly ok with this***. But back in the day, hand me downs had a tendency to cause more than a little confusion****. Take, for instance, this one little happening when I was in 4th grade. It was gym, and like all of the other sad sops in class, I'd changed into some ratty clothes to sweat in. That day, however, I was the proud wearer of a new, brightly-colored hand-me-down T-shirt. While sitting on the bleachers waiting for class to start, the Tic-Tac Club noticed my newly neon self and came over to investigate.
Now, what you need to know is that this T-shirt (courtesy of my super religious mom) was emblazoned with all of the names of different religious figures and groups. The Virgin Mary, Jesus, Lutherans, Protestants, Catholics, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the like. To my 10 year old brain, all of these things were equivalent. As in, virgin = catholic. I knew no better. But the Tic-Tac Club was a bit more world wise. And they had a field day with my ignorance.
TTC: (in the disinterested, uber cool kid voice) Hey, what's that say on your shirt?
Me: Oh, this? It's just names of all kinds of religions and stuff.
TTC: Oh, that's cool. So are these all things you believe in?
Me: (suddenly wary and unsure) Well kind of. I'm Lutheran.
TTC: (sensing my doubt, and beginning to pounce) But it says "Jehovah's Witness" on here too, right next to Lutheran. Are you a Jehovah's Witness?
Me: (really confused, but trying to stay cool and follow their logic) I guess so if that's what it says.
TTC: So you go to around knocking on people's doors?
Me: Well...no. I'm not that kind of Jehovah's Witness...
TTC: (closing in) Right. Are you a virgin too, then?
Me: (completely lost) Um, no I don't think so...
TTC: But it's on your shirt.
Me: Well, then maybe.
TTC: Well are you or aren't you?
Me: (desperate not to claim a religion I was not and not understanding the connotations at all) Um, I'd say no.
TTC: You're not a virgin?
Me: I don't think so, no.
At which point they laughed furiously and just had to tell everyone. For my part, I had NO idea of the mistake I'd made. Frankly, I didn't even know what a virgin was, except that I knew Mary was one. Way to go, me. Wait, no. Way to go parents, for explaining this shit to me. Jeez. Anyway, my cluelessness continued until my teacher heard the rather disconcerting news and decided to talk with me about it to see if I was OK. After sorting out my confused viewpoint, she finally explained things to me.
Cue me turning a ridiculous shade of red and dying for the rest of the week.
Great.
FYI, sex-ed started the next year*****. Sigh. If only it'd reached me in time.
* Once upon a time I used to love dirt and worms and all that good stuff, but for some reason I now see dirt as my nemesis. I do battle with it via the washing machine. And usually I lose.
** I don't actually sound like a child molester. I promise. Or maybe I do, and just don't know it. Either way, I hate kids. So there.
***Especially when it comes to electronics. GMK is notorious for constantly buying the newest gadgets possible. And guess who gets the old unwanted big screen tv? ME. Yesssssss.
****Particularly because my siblings are quite a bit older than I am. Outdated T-shirts anyone?
***** Oh, that is totally a story for another time, my friends.
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